I need you to read this

If you know me personally — or from social media — I need you to read this. Urgently. If you don’t know me: I guarantee you, you do know someone like me. So, please read this. I need you to read this and I need you to go away from this ready to do something. I need your help, your support and your power.

Picture of a grey haired white man wearing glasses and looking at you with his fingers in his ears. You can see his face, his hands and part of his black (or dark grey?) suit jacket. In the top right corner, there is a stack of light pink, dark pink and purple sticky notes with the words “DON’T DO THIS!” on them. In the bottom left corner, there is a white brush stroke, on top of witch black text reads “Read this. And then do something.”

I am fat

This used to be an insult for me. Especially in my mother tongue. It’s no longer that. Now, I have reclaimed the word fat as what it is: An adjective. It is a descriptor for a body. Other descriptors are e.g. thin, small and tall. I can call myself fat and I am okay with you calling me that, as a descriptor, as well. Please know that some people are not in a space — and may never be — to be called fat. If you are not fat, better seek another descriptor if you’re talking to someone directly.

Anyway. What does it mean to be fat? It means that I can’t eat in public. Well, I could. But at some point, there will always be someone commenting on me eating. It’s either a comment on what I eat (you shouldn’t eat that; good on you for eating more heathily!) or that I eat at all. And if it isn’t said in words, it is often said in looks and sometimes gestures. It’s not a good experience.

Being fat also means that I will automatically be declared unhealthy. Even by doctors and other medical professionals. It means it takes much longer to get an actual diagnosis and in some cases, it is too late. When doctors focus on weight too much and all they “prescribe” is weight loss, my health is in serious danger. And the solution isn’t losing weight. It is losing weight stigma in medicine and being treated like a human being when I seek medical advice, which is something I had to do a lot lately. No, not because I’m fat.

On top of that, being fat means I can rarely buy clothes in shops. I mostly have to go online and deal with the additional costs of that and the frustration when something doesn’t fit and then sending it all back to start the process all over again. Some fat people ONLY have that option because most shops don’t cater to their size at all. Again, the solution here is not for people to lose weight.

My favourite thing about being fat (#sarcasm) is when I’m the butt of the joke. Fat jokes are not okay. In fact, if the person you’re making fun of isn’t laughing, your joke isn’t one. It’s bullying. No, I’m not too sensitive, thank you very much.

Oh and if you want to lose weight? You do you, I don’t judge. But don’t push your weight loss agenda on me. When I hear people say they “feel” fat, I hear that the worst thing that can happen to them is to look like me. Ouch. Because fat is not a feeling. Fat is a way to describe a body. It’s how I describe my body. When I hear you talking badly about fat people as if I wasn’t sitting there with you, I feel unsafe. And because I feel unsafe, I will not tell you about the inappropriateness of what you’re saying. No, I’m not a “good fatty” and I’m not different from those fat people because I am not AS fat or I’m a good person. I am just as fat or good/bad as those people and what you’re saying is hurting me and damaging our relationship.

I am disabled

Uncomfortable? Yeah, thought so. You know what? Me too! My internalised ableism has been so bad all my life that I would not claim the word disabled as one that describes me. Even though I’ve been disabled for a long time. It went so far as to decline more support when it was offered to me after my cancer treatment more than ten years ago. Thinking about it now, I feel sad for past me that she couldn’t see it was okay to be disabled and to receive help and support; financial or otherwise.

Because I know you’ll ask, here is what is “wrong” with me: I have depression, anxiety, migraine and menorrhagia. And some undiagnosed shit I don’t want to get into here. The one thing that is bothering me most right now is menorrhagia. What is menorrhagia? It’s heavy menstrual bleeding. In my case, it is heavy menstrual CONSTANT bleeding. For the best part of the past three years. Yep, years, you’ve read that right. I usually cannot go more than two hours without changing my period protection. And that’s a long time on the worst days; those usually mean hourly changes. Any stress will make it worse. All stress, emotional and mental as much as physical. My beloved running? Nope, not a thing because I will bleed through within minutes.

You can imagine that this ordeal then also has an impact on all the other things. My depressive and anxious episodes are harder and last longer. My migraines are heavier and easily last a week. It’s been so tough at times that I wanted it all to just end, no matter how. And no, I’m not suicidal; there was a time when I was many years ago, but that’s not the case now. It’s just the intrusive thought that comes up every once in a while when all the things happen at the same time. Add to that the societal pressure to perform and you have a recipe for disaster.

I am poor

In fact, I live in destitution, as I have recently found out. In the area where I live, if you have £70 or less per week at your disposal, you’re no longer considered living in poverty but destitution. That was one interesting wake up call.

Here’s the deal: I receive benefits (Universal Credit, for my UK peeps). They pretty much just cover my rent. On a discretionary basis, I also receive additional support from my local council to actually cover my rent and then have a tiny bit of money left over. At the end of the day, I have £126 for all bills and living costs beyond rent. I leave it up to you to imagine how I can pay water, energy, telephone and internet bills from that.

Now, I also have a car that I maintain. I got it when I had the money, don’t you worry. It’s not paid for by the precious public funds. But the majority of those £126 goes into my car insurance, so I can keep it on the road. To get free food, you see. I collect food from supermarkets close to me, keep some for myself and redistribute the rest in my neighbourhood. Before you tell me I could get public transport for that: Sure. I’d rather bleed on my own car seat, though, and spare myself the embarrassment. The amount of food that I collect is another obstacle. See, I’m justifying myself even though I don’t have to. Shouldn’t have to.

When I have the energy and capacity, I also work. Not one of those lazy scroungers, you know?! I have a business, which keeps growing. Some months it’s great and other months not so much. Because my health defines how much I can work and therefore how much I can earn. Out of sight out of mind is a real thing when you run an online business. People need to be constantly reminded that you exist or your business turns into a very expensive hobby.

I am bisexual

This one is fairly new to me. And it might be news to you, too, if we know each other in real life. So…hi! I’m bisexual. If we go by traditional definitions, you may call me pansexual but that word somehow doesn’t fit. Like a jacket that is the right size but somehow doesn’t look good on you and doesn’t feel right. I prefer bisexual or queer and am VERY aware how privileged I am that I never had to deal with being called queer as an insult.

What does it mean to be bisexual? It means discovering a part of me that I have suppressed for several decades. It means finding and being welcomed into a supportive community that shares a lot of struggles. Struggles I have perpetuated because I thought I was straight and I looked down on people who weren’t. Not in an overt, hateful way. More in a covert way by e.g. judging bisexuals and invalidating their experience to tell them (in my head or in person/behind their back) they’re actually really gay/lesbian. Urgh. I shudder, but that’s the truth. Trans people? I knew they existed but I had no first hand experience with them; they weren’t part of my community. Or were they and they didn’t dare to open up because I was such a fucking bigot? I’ll let you guess.

And I’ll let you know this: If we know each other personally and you don’t know that I have recently felt gender euphoria in a way that didn’t feel “woman”, I don’t feel safe enough with you (yet) to share that. No, I’m not trans, I’m sure of that. But there’s something going on and I will share when I know what it is. After I’ve spoken to people who feel safe. The trans and non binary people in my life, who have also discovered their gender identity and gender fluidity in recent years.

So, for me, being bisexual means discovering this part of me that is so much more than woman or heterosexual sex and relationships. Accepting this part of me and getting to know other people who are part of the beautiful LGBTQIA+ community has opened worlds for me that I had never considered to be for me. And make no mistake, these parts were always mine. I just kept them hidden, even from myself, because I was already ostracised enough.

I am a foreigner

Ha! What is this sorcery?! You’re not a foreigner! You’re white! And you speak such perfect English! Where are you from? New Zealand? That’s not foreign… Well, if you have no idea where I come from, here’s a surprise: I’m German. And a language buff. If I speak a language, I may have some sort of accent that isn’t British, but you will not place me in a country that doesn’t have English as their official language. At least, apart from a few gifted people, nobody has done that so far.

What does it mean to be a foreigner? Well, for me, many times it’s actually been an advantage. In the corporate world, the German work ethic (live to work and die in the process) is celebrated. For a long time, it was fairly easy to get a job; even more so since I speak six languages, three of them fluently. Did I mention I’m also incredibly humble? Great. Glad we got that out of the way. Being from abroad, if you’re white like me and blend in, also often makes for interesting conversations. At least for the Brits. I’m not so fussed since I have well and truly heard it all. Oh, you’ve been in Berlin once? If I’ve ever been to Stuttgart? (Yes, and I don’t consider it Germany…) What I think about München, Hamburg, Köln? Yeah, your three words in German are absolutely great, thanks for demonstrating. That’s why I’m in the UK, really. To hear how utterly useless you are at speaking other languages. Don’t come at me, I know it’s not your fault, but please ask me if I’m okay with it all before you use me as a guinea pig for your German.

But then, yes, here come the disadvantages of being a foreigner. If you haven’t heard, the UK is incredibly xenophobic and racist. Openly, nobody will admit that; after all, we now also have a (highly criticised, thankfully) REPORT that says otherwise. Which is mirrored in the way they treat people within the benefits system. Support for your studies? Nope, not unless you send us a document that doesn’t exist. (True story!) I ended up exmatriculating after half a term. You haven’t got a piece of paper from 12 years ago, even though you only have to prove that you’ve been in the country for the past five years? Too bad, no support for you either. I wish I was joking. Eventually, I applied again and they granted me the support but it was a fight. One I will probably take to socials one day soon.

What I experience is about a billionth of what someone Black with my same intersections goes through in this country (and others, if you’re not in the UK or the US, this still applies to you). Add to that transness and more visible disabilities and you will hopefully see how bad it all is. And a Black person doesn’t even have to be a foreigner in this country to be ostracised. I know most of the people who read this can’t fathom that. But please at the very least imagine me feeling like shit when the things I described happen to me. And then add a billion and multiply it with eternity and you will get a glimmer of understanding what the most intentionally disadvantaged people go through every day and how they have to watch their every move not to be killed “accidentally”. For looking different or being different in some way.

Why do I tell you all this?

I tell you all this because I see even my closest friends becoming bigots. Or at the very least, subscribing to bigoted ideas. Why? Because the media tell them what to think and they’re prone to believe (at least most of what’s) reported. Propaganda works, even if you think it doesn’t. You’re probably one of those people. Or a friend of someone in a similar or worse situation than mine, who doesn’t apply critical thinking to what’s being reported.

Your privilege allows you to ignore the problems I described in this article and even more so the problems of people who are more marginalised than I am. You are most privileged, if you are a white cis man who is slim, doesn’t have any health issues to speak of and have enough income to live comfortably without making sacrifices. And no, only eating out once instead of four times a month is not a sacrifice. Next in line are white cis women who fit the same criteria. Yes, this is massively simplified. No, I’m not taking any questions on this one.

What I need from you and what “society” needs from you is action. I need you to use your privilege. Use it to make sure that things like Nazi Germany don’t happen again. I mean it. This is where we’re heading. The pressure is on, the classes are divided and fighting amongst themselves. Leaving them too tired to take action against what governments do these days without our consent. The current scapegoats are Black people (always have been) and trans people. You have to speak up for them. You have the power to level the playing field. Use it.

So, what can you now do about it all?

I need you to take action every day. Small action. Then bigger. Get used to doing something. When someone makes a fat joke, tell them that’s not funny and not cool. Tell them why, too. Before you start complaining about a stomach roll that only appears when you bend yourself into oblivion, stop yourself. Especially when you’re around me or another fat person. Then go enquire why you feel the need to do all that in the first place. Stop pretending you’re worried about my health. You see Dave smoking and eating “junk food” all the time and you don’t seem to be concerned about him. You know why? Because he’s slim. Yep, dig deep and enquire where that need to put “healthy” people on a pedestal comes from.

I need you to stop using ableist language. Why do you need to call someone stupid, an idiot, a dumbass or crazy? Do you know how much that hurts when you’ve heard that because of your own or a family member’s mental illness? I do. Stop it.

I need you to tell staff in restaurants and other public places to make sure that their automatic doors and emergency cords need to be repaired and put in place properly. Before a wheelchair user needs them and can’t access the place without help. Yet again. Being left out, because they are an afterthought.

You need to stop judging people who have been struggling with money for years. More often than not, there’s a systemic issue behind that and not some sort of moral failure. Take that judgement, turn it into anger and channel that into some activism. Hold your government accountable. Email your MPs and demand change. Demand they sort out their shit and make sure everyone gets to be safe in shelter with all basic needs met. Every. Single. Person. What a pathetic display to live in one of the richest countries in the world and deal with poverty, destitution and houselessness. Disgusting. Do something about it!

I need you to speak up when your mates make a sexist joke and when they speak to staff and to anyone less privileged in a patronising way. I need you to speak up at your work place when someone is treated unfairly. Especially when that someone has multiple intersections of marginalisation. Especially when that someone is Black, which, yes, makes most unjust interactions racist. It is your responsibility to educate yourself as to why that is. And to NOT go into Black people’s spaces and demand free education. There is more than enough free information online and there are Black educators you can pay and learn from.

What you may lose along the way? Your privilege, yes. But wouldn’t that be something? To have a world in which we are all treated according to our individual needs. To be met where we’re at. To no longer have to look up or down to know where we stand in life. To know we’re all worthy and all treated with the same respect. If you lose anything along the way, let it be a pay rise in favour of someone else’s. Not the love we should all have for our fellow humans.

If you made it this far: Thank you, I really appreciate you spending time to read this and hopefully make an effort to understand it all. At the very least, to bring more compassion into your everyday life. Now, go take action.

Are you similarly or more disadvantaged than I am and think I’ve fucked up along the way? Tell me and tell me bluntly. I want to know. To do better. For you. For a better tomorrow.

[I’ve also written this in German, if you’d like to read that instead, you can find the article here: https://lebenliebenleiden.wordpress.com/2023/02/27/bitte-lies-das-hier/. It is a little different because I wrote it first before coming here. But basically you’ll get the gist no matter which language you read my words in.]